The Greatest Story Ever Mole'd

Every Sunday in the kitchen of one of the residence halls here, people get together and make burritos. Sweet, delicious burritos, always perfect for a pre-DnD snack. Unfortunately, poor Samy actually didn't know what a burrito was. Needless to say, the DnD Krew sprang to enlighten him, directing him to that endless font of Internet knowledge, Wikipedia. But just one Wiki page devoted to the intricacies of the burrito was not enough. No, they needed to create what may well be the most awesome page on the entire internet:

THE TIMELINE OF THE BURRITO.

And it is sheer poetry. I ask you: have you not lain awake many a sleepless night, tossing and turning in existential doubt, pleading with some unhearing God, "If only there was a chronologically-arranged list of interesting milestones in the history of the burrito! Is there no balm in Gilead?" And I say to you: YOUR DAY HAS COME!

This paramount of modern literature, comparable to the sonnets of Shakespeare, gives us the whole picture: From its roots in ancient Aztec cooking, to its birth in 1840, up to the present day, as new and exciting burrito-related events continue to captivate our attention. I'll hit the highlights here, but trust me: it must be seen to be believed.

→ The quintessential love-song to the mighty burrito, published in 1993 by John Roemer and titled, I swear, "Cylindrical God."

→ The world's largest burrito, which weighs 4500 pounds.

→ "1998: Washington Post sends Peter Fox to search for origins of burrito," which sounds to me like a dandy plot for Indiana Jones 4.

→ A small schoolboy's tinfoil-wrapped burrito is mistaken for a weapon, and the school goes on lockdown while armed police officers take the burrito by force.

→ "Rubio's Lobster Burrito Lawsuit." HOLY CRAP! "Have YOU been wronged by a burrito? Simon, Harlan & Horowitz can get you the MONEY YOU DESERVE."

→ A sinister conspiracy known only as "The Burrito Project."

→ ONLINE BURRITO ORDERING SYSTEM.

→ "October 30th, 2006: After hearing expert testimony, Massachusetts judge rules that a burrito is not a sandwich." That is the SECOND piece of burrito-based litigation in as many years, BTW.

It is your duty as a citizen to read the glorious history of the greatest of all Mexican-American culinary achievements. Because, at last, the secret history of the burrito is no longer...

UNDER WRAPS!

The Fall of the Toilet of Usher

Lo! 'tis a gala night

Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.

I remember when it happened quite clearly; in fact, I remember it as though it had happened only five or ten minutes ago. It was an early hour of the morning, and I, having imbibed a great quantity of water afore I took to my bed, as is my habit, had awoken with a great and pressing need to expel urine from my sack of pee.

At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their Condor wings
Invisible Woe!

I approached the toilet with all the reverence and dignity accorded to the situation. Never did it cross my mind that perhaps this toilet would slowly and inexorably fall to the relentless scourge of the eons, that one day as I reached for its pallid plastic lit I would find it turned to dust with the passing of the years, and the bathroom now only a shrine to ghosts and whispers. A wiser man, now, am I, for this encounter at dawn.

Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
And Horror the soul of the plot.

My hand pulled down the toilet seat, and I felt it pull away from its mother, like a limb of a rotting tree it fell away in my cruel grasp, and in my horror I let it tumble to the floor. Could this be? Could the toilet, ever pristine, have crumbled? The lid had come undone...but surely the seat...

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm...

While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

Note: That's "The Conqueror Worm," not "The Haunted Palace," which is the poem that actually APPEARS in "The Fall of the House of Usher." Yes, I am a nerd.

Tiamat vs. Jörmungandr: WHO YA GOT???

Getting into the nerd spirit, I give you:

JORMUNGANDRTHE WORLD-SERPENT!
THE SCOURGE OF MIDGARD!
SLAYER OF THE MIGHTY THOR!

VERSUS

TIAMATQUEEN OF THE PRIMORDIAL ABYSS!
MOTHER OF THE GREAT DEMON LEGION!
SHE IS UMMU-HUBUR, WHO FORMED ALL THINGS!

IN A PANTHEON-SHATTERING WAR TO END ALL WARS!

THE SERPENT THE SIZE OF THE EARTH!

THE DRAGON AS LARGE AS THE SEAS!

WHOEVER WINS...WE LOSE!!!

This one's for you, Nate

Nate, one of my awesome DMs, has demanded it, and so it shall come to pass:

That right there? That's a Swiss Alp.

Now, if THAT Alp could cut things in half with its shadow, we'd be in for some trouble. 'Cause, you know, it's shadow is about a mile long.

Thank God it doesn't have its hat, though.