Atomic Number 18...for ACTION!

It would appear that I have escaped from the monolithic nightmare of Midterms Week unscathed, although perhaps I, like Agent Cooper, am still trapped in that hellish dimension, and what now walks the earth of men is a sinister doppelganger. In any case, here I am writing a blog very late at night, so if I am a doppelganger, I can't be THAT different.

It should be obvious by now that I enjoy fantasy, and given that I am devoting my free time to creating humor for you to read, you may surmise that I am somewhat of a writer. (Writers tend to do actual writing before their deadlines, but that's beside the point.) That is why I took a special interest in the Howardian epic tale of barbarian adventure that is Jim Theis' "The Eye of Argon." Theis published the original (which is accorded Shroud-of-Turin-like reverence among the faithful) in 1970 at the age of 16. Tragically, it seems that the author died in 2001, before he had the chance to give the world the gift of a sequel.

When I say "Howardian," what I mean is "resembling what you would get if you ate every Robert E. Howard story ever printed and then shat them onto a typewriter." It is a work of unparalleled genius in its sheer ineptitude. It is staggering in the quality and density of its flaws. It has no need whatsoever for MSTing, indeed, anything else one could say to mock it would be utterly meaningless in the face of the mockery inherent in its own text. In short, it is the Plan 9 of literature, and I for one am glad to have it. Every time I read a sentence, actual Robert E. Howard stories get that much better.

Here, I'll pick a random sentence from the opening chapter, as Gringr the barbarian dispatches some inept guards:

"A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed." I couldn't help but add emphasis, because I am simply compelled to highlight how GLORIOUSLY INSANE this is.

"[Gringr's] scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head." I daresay, if I had a heavy object looming over my head, I'd probably be just as tense and murderous as this poor fellow.

And one more, because I could do this all night:

"From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?" Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.

The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.

Gringr: Smoooooove like Butter.

And believe me, these are nowhere NEAR the best ones.

The Eye of Argon: Making The Results of All Other Human Endeavor Look Better Since 1970.