The Greatest Story Ever Mole'd

Every Sunday in the kitchen of one of the residence halls here, people get together and make burritos. Sweet, delicious burritos, always perfect for a pre-DnD snack. Unfortunately, poor Samy actually didn't know what a burrito was. Needless to say, the DnD Krew sprang to enlighten him, directing him to that endless font of Internet knowledge, Wikipedia. But just one Wiki page devoted to the intricacies of the burrito was not enough. No, they needed to create what may well be the most awesome page on the entire internet:

THE TIMELINE OF THE BURRITO.

And it is sheer poetry. I ask you: have you not lain awake many a sleepless night, tossing and turning in existential doubt, pleading with some unhearing God, "If only there was a chronologically-arranged list of interesting milestones in the history of the burrito! Is there no balm in Gilead?" And I say to you: YOUR DAY HAS COME!

This paramount of modern literature, comparable to the sonnets of Shakespeare, gives us the whole picture: From its roots in ancient Aztec cooking, to its birth in 1840, up to the present day, as new and exciting burrito-related events continue to captivate our attention. I'll hit the highlights here, but trust me: it must be seen to be believed.

→ The quintessential love-song to the mighty burrito, published in 1993 by John Roemer and titled, I swear, "Cylindrical God."

→ The world's largest burrito, which weighs 4500 pounds.

→ "1998: Washington Post sends Peter Fox to search for origins of burrito," which sounds to me like a dandy plot for Indiana Jones 4.

→ A small schoolboy's tinfoil-wrapped burrito is mistaken for a weapon, and the school goes on lockdown while armed police officers take the burrito by force.

→ "Rubio's Lobster Burrito Lawsuit." HOLY CRAP! "Have YOU been wronged by a burrito? Simon, Harlan & Horowitz can get you the MONEY YOU DESERVE."

→ A sinister conspiracy known only as "The Burrito Project."

→ ONLINE BURRITO ORDERING SYSTEM.

→ "October 30th, 2006: After hearing expert testimony, Massachusetts judge rules that a burrito is not a sandwich." That is the SECOND piece of burrito-based litigation in as many years, BTW.

It is your duty as a citizen to read the glorious history of the greatest of all Mexican-American culinary achievements. Because, at last, the secret history of the burrito is no longer...

UNDER WRAPS!