And with what will I whet your want of my withering wit?
Dungeons and Dragons! Yep, 'fraid so.
Yes, for two terrible weeks my exploits as the cruel, heartless Master of various and sundry Dungeons has gone un-chronicled! Except by the party chronicler, but I’ll get to her in a second. Now, I know that my unhealthy levels of geekdom are not suited to
And so, I give you our dramatis personae:
(An excruciatingly unnecessary aside: My photos always turn out terrible because people are never sitting still in them. This is because I am a terribly shy photographer. I am always the only one in the room with a big, dorky tourist camera, and I always end up just surreptitiously pulling it out, snapping a pic while whistling nonchalantly, and then putting the camera away without even looking at the result, and then fleeing the building. Thus, the idea of asking those being photographed to hold still and pose is usually beyond me. It doesn't help that my camera seems to require a daguerreotype-like exposure period, and holding it still for that long is often difficult, especially when I've been drinking.)Now, to introduce my mewling playthings. Right to left---that's right, MANGA STYLE, BITCHES!---we have:
Ashley, seen above moving with blinding speed, is playing DnD for the first time under my masterful tutelage. She gravitated toward the noble calling of Paladin, holy knights who bring honor and decency to the savage corners of the world by hacking things to death. Thus, she plays Teresa the human paladin, sent by the church of Pelor the sun god to investigate the oracle's prophecy of doom that stalks in the northlands. Although adept at stabbing things with a variety of sharp implements, she has proved thus far to be a much-needed voice of sanity and non-muderousness. This role is especially important, considering her company, such as the character played by
Tina, who you may remember as my partner in debauchery from a while back. She had from the start a clear vision of her character, and it was to be a bard. Now, Bards in DnD are most known for using the power of music, dance, or other performance art to perform magical abilities. Yes, if you mess with a bard. he will use the Power of Rock to put you in a coma. I know a lot of people complain about bards, but I find that to be completely BAD ASS. However, her character is perhaps even more radical than the standard-model bard. Her bard is a writer. (And here's where our characters start to get completely crazy.) She creates magic by writing what's going to happen to you in her book. And her book has a hidden, spring-loaded bayonet in it. It's not often that you will get to write an autobiography that includes the phrase "I stabbed him to death with my book," and you can take that to the BANK. And what could such a dashing magical auteur be named? Brace yourselves: Dust Ofevsky. And she wields a rapier named Robespierre. So, you may ask, what does she look like? What mental image shall we attach to this awesomely bad appellation? I'll tell you. She is a seven-foot tall woman with silver hair, who is the great-great-great-great granddaughter of an angel from Elysium. And according to her, she weighs one hundred and twenty pounds. So we basically have an sexy female Jack Skellington with a stabby-book, and THAT is the sensational character find of 2008. Even awesomer, she's functioning as the party's record-keeper, with her laptop (standing in for Dust's knife-book) a'blazing. And then there's
Samy, a grizzled DnD veteran who knows what he wants out of his characters: massive amounts of blood-spattered dismemberment. And he was not left wanting. He carefully crafted the most stompariffic character possible, using spreadsheets I think, designed to deal the most ludicrous amounts of damage possible. His class of choice is the Warblade, a mystical sect of fighters who are so good at killing things that their moves become like unto things of magic. Warblades strive for the perfection of the art of combat and become adept at using techniques from any of nine different ancient fighting styles. Sometimes this means a warblade can run on water or do a twenty-foot standing high jump. Sometimes, as in this case, the warblade is able to hit things extremely hard. The warblade doing the hitting here is named Saif, which is Arabic for "sword," and that's pretty cool (Samy is from the United Arab Emirates). But wait, there's more. In essence, Samy, the player, sold his character's soul to the Devil in return for more power. The Devil being, of course, me, who okayed his deal. Samy is what we call a powergamer. He wants maximum power. He's willing to sacrifice things to get it. And oh, I was willing to give him power...but at what price? You see, here is Saif's story. He was kidnapped as a baby and raised by a mysterious cult that was seeking to return an Ancient God of Darkness™ to the mortal world. To do this, they needed a living vessel to contain the god's power, and since the possessed victim would retain his physical strength but lose his mind to the god's power, it made sense to have the mightiest vessel possible. So Saif was trained in war from infancy and grew to be a mighty warrior. However, when the day of the god's rebirth came and the ritual was completed, something went Terribly Wrong™, and the cult was obliterated---except for him, who wound up with a demonic presence inhabiting his body. He was granted great strength and skill, but has to fight constantly against being consumed by evil. This was Samy's proposal to me. His character would be more powerful than most...but I would get to do whatever I wanted with his demonic housemate. And I tell you, I am going to have some fun.
Now you know their stories...but a new chapter of their lives is being forged! Be here next time to read of their adventures in the world of fantasy and violence!
A BEAR GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE!
DARE YOU MISS IT?
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